45 Days Post-Op

I finally went for a visit with my favorite doctor...Dr.Gallant and I discovered that what I've been doing isn't ideal. I really need to eat and take my vitamins and stop worrying that I might gain weight because I'm doing great. It's really hard to want to eat because I'm so scared of failing but with no food then I have no energy. Dr. Gallant weighed me for the first time in years because before he knew I didn't even want to see the numbers and to my surprise I've now lost 40 pounds!!! It feels great but I don't celebrate much because I don't feel like it's enough. I wish that it would be more but I can't possibly eat less, unless I go back to just liquids. Dr. Gallant is right I should be happy but I'm not! He has tried to reassure me that I'm doing an excellent job but I just don't know. I'm so scared now that I can eat solids that I will eat too much or that I will stop losing weight its horrible. I didn't think I would feel this way. Don't get me wrong I don't regret the surgery not at all. I just get really scared...there is nothing after this I CAN'T FAIL!!!

SWEET FOOD!!!!

I can finally eat solid food. Yesterday I had a pupusa obviously not a whole one and it was just cheese but OMG it was amazing never tasted so good. Then for dinner I went out and had an actual meal. Salmon and veggies and I brought half home for lunch today. Honestly all it took was a little procedure that lasted like one hour in total including recovery time. The procedure was called an endoscopic dilatation. There was no pain during the procedure only my throat hurt for a few days after.
Also good news is that I have now lost 36 pounds, which makes me really happy.

Spicy Cabbage Rolls

So yesterday I decided to finally make these cabbage rolls I had read about. Well when I looked over the recipe I didn't really have everything but I figured I could still give it a try. Anyways I used two different recipes and made it into one really good one. They were a little spicy but my mom loved them. I other hand got to taste them but like everything else these days it didn't want to stay down. Well if anyone wants the wicked recipe let me know.

PoemZ

Alright so I recently came across some old poems that I have written and well some aren't too embarrassing so I decided to post them. Clearly I need to find a new topic to write about. Apparently heartache is my forte...which is funny because most people write about how beautiful love is and I write about the hurt is causes. I haven't written anything in a while so don't be thinking this applies to anything recent. Honestly I'm not sure they are about anyone at all just my random feelings as to how CRAPPY love and lust can really be. I have others that when read the person would know it's about them so I kept those out.

December 18, 2007

Things are not always what they seem. We are often too involved in ourselves to see what is in front of us

Preoccupied people become lonely people

You want things to be simple but they just keep getting harder

You want me to be blind to your rage but you are not willing to see what I feel

You want me to stop shouting but you are deaf to my pleas

December 17, 2007

I often wonder why I'm always running into walls. When it often happens that I have my heart crushed. I need to learn to not want to go so quickly. For life and love are not meant to be races but meant to be acts of leisure and pleasure.

Feb.6th/06
Frigid Heart
The wind blows strong and the coldness of the night sticks to your bones.
Yet the frigid temperature does not penetrate my cold and shattered heart.
Its lonely and brittle.
I don’t feel the sharp sting of the wind for I have lost my senses.
I have lost all my hopes and dreams.
They have floated away they have been lost in the wilderness of my vacant soul.

Feb.6th, 2006
The Pain of my Existence

I sit in this vast valley of joy, laughter, love, friendship
Yet all I feel is this deep and paralyzing sadness.
A sadness so deep that I can barely breathe.
It feels like a noose that is being pulled-
Tighter and tighter every hour every minute of every day.

Death Lingers ever so close it has become my shadow, my companion.
It schemes, plots my final hour, how long will it let me live, this tragic existence?
I long to be freed and at the same time I choose to continue to walk in the chains of pain and sorrow.

March 26, 2006
How Can I Forget You

How do I forget you, when everything reminds me of you?
How does my heart lean to see you as little less than a friend?
My body, my heart and my soul yearn for you.
I can’t breathe when I don’t have you near.
The walls of my life are slowly closing in on me.
I’m frighten by the thought of never being in your arms again.
Many sleepless nights have been witness to my sorrow over losing you.
I just refuse to let you go.
How can I forget you, when I still care about you.

March 1, 2007
LOVE

When no one sees me I can be or not be

Love is always kind and never cruel
Love is given not bought
Love is a feeling not something you can produce

Love should never be a lie
Love should never make you cry

Love should be strong
Love should make you smile
Love should feel like the best piece of cake
Love can be blind but we must remember to open our eyes

love is a contract b/w 2 ppl and in it they agree to make each other happy be honest with one another and to never cheat

Charlie...Monster/Angel

Well in 3 days Charlie is going to be 8 months and I wanted to post some new pictures of him. Yes I know I'm obsessed with him but hey I'm his mama and I have to show him off!!

CHICKEN...POTATOS

Well since I can officially eat solids I decided to make roasted chicken and potatoes and of course of veggies. This is actually my mom's serving but for me it was like 1/4 of what is on this plate. I tried eating it but it didn't go so well. It looks really nice though and my sister and mom liked it so that's all that matters.

I weighed myself again and in two days I lost 2 pounds so now I've lost 32 pounds I'm really happy!!!

OnE mOnTh PoSt-Op

Hello All, It's been officially one month since my surgery and I'm doing well. I have lost 30 pounds and I focused on losing way more then that. I have a second procedure on March 14th to stretch the opening of my stomach to the intestine as it is too tight right now and causing a lot of discomfort when I try and eat. This week I can officially start solids but I'm taking it slow and sticking to purees for a while at least until after my second procedure. Well that is all for now I'm off to measure myself to see if I have lost more inches. Oh yes and I now fit into a pair of jeans that were too small they wouldn't even make it pass my butt now they are PERFECT!!